Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Six Months Since "See Ya Later"

Six months ago we said "see ya later" to our beloved English Bulldog, Gouda.  If you're not a dog/pet person this post will probably mean nothing to you, so feel free to skip it. Last summer, as I was excitedly starting my third trimester, a routine 3 year checkup for Gouda turned into a "I think we're looking at Lymphoma" conversation.  A few tortuous days and several tests later confirmed our sweet boy was sick.  We took it hard.  Very very very hard.  And being 28 weeks pregnant and having already unpredictable hormonal mood swings made it nearly unbearable.  We were lucky to have a fantastic veterinary oncologist 20 minutes away and we started chemo right away.  While I was left to prepare for baby, Tom took on the responsibility of most of Gouda's treatment.  Since I was pregnant I wasn't even allowed to touch his medications, so this fell to Tom.  I think we both felt pretty cheated at this point.  After going through so much to have a baby, I felt I "deserved" to be able to relax and enjoy the end of my pregnancy.  But all of that was clouded with knowing that we were going to have to say goodbye to our freshly turned THREE year old dog far too soon.  It all just sucked a big huge fat one.  Sorry, I have no other eloquent way to say it.

I could post a thousand pictures here that I love for different reasons, but I'll hold myself back...

One thing that was very important to us was that Gouda and Reese would be able to meet.  We were lucky in that he had six good months with her and we have hundreds of pictures captured.  I'm still not sure what he thought of her and all of her little baby sounds.  I know for certain that was extremely protective of her and would never leave her unattended when someone came over to visit.  I'll never forget the horrified look he would give me every time I pulled out the breast pump, completely embarrassed to see his mom like that.   It still doesn't feel real that he isn't here and sometimes I catch myself looking around for him.

We haven't brought ourselves to move his box of things out of the dining room yet.  It just really sucks his things are all sitting in a box to begin with.  Gouda was our first baby and taught us what it was like to put our time, money, and energy into someone other than ourselves.   We loved every single minute with him and we are lucky in that we can look back without a single regret about our time with him.  In the midst of our anger about losing him so soon, there is gratitude that we were were able to give him extra time that was vibrant and full of life.  He never felt pain and we were able to keep it that way up until the very last second.  There will never be another G-Man.   We miss you more than you'll ever know buddy and I hope you're indulging in your hedonistic ways up there.  I like to think you're snacking on a steak and lounging in the sun.

Until we meet again big guy...

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