Six Months Since "See Ya Later"

Six months ago we said "see ya later" to our beloved English Bulldog, Gouda.  If you're not a dog/pet person this post will probably mean nothing to you, so feel free to skip it. Last summer, as I was excitedly starting my third trimester, a routine 3 year checkup for Gouda turned into a "I think we're looking at Lymphoma" conversation.  A few tortuous days and several tests later confirmed our sweet boy was sick.  We took it hard.  Very very very hard.  And being 28 weeks pregnant and having already unpredictable hormonal mood swings made it nearly unbearable.  We were lucky to have a fantastic veterinary oncologist 20 minutes away and we started chemo right away.  While I was left to prepare for baby, Tom took on the responsibility of most of Gouda's treatment.  Since I was pregnant I wasn't even allowed to touch his medications, so this fell to Tom.  I think we both felt pretty cheated at this point.  After going through so much to have a baby, I felt I "deserved" to be able to relax and enjoy the end of my pregnancy.  But all of that was clouded with knowing that we were going to have to say goodbye to our freshly turned THREE year old dog far too soon.  It all just sucked a big huge fat one.  Sorry, I have no other eloquent way to say it.

I could post a thousand pictures here that I love for different reasons, but I'll hold myself back...

One thing that was very important to us was that Gouda and Reese would be able to meet.  We were lucky in that he had six good months with her and we have hundreds of pictures captured.  I'm still not sure what he thought of her and all of her little baby sounds.  I know for certain that was extremely protective of her and would never leave her unattended when someone came over to visit.  I'll never forget the horrified look he would give me every time I pulled out the breast pump, completely embarrassed to see his mom like that.   It still doesn't feel real that he isn't here and sometimes I catch myself looking around for him.

 

We haven't brought ourselves to move his box of things out of the dining room yet.  It just really sucks his things are all sitting in a box to begin with.  Gouda was our first baby and taught us what it was like to put our time, money, and energy into someone other than ourselves.   We loved every single minute with him and we are lucky in that we can look back without a single regret about our time with him.  In the midst of our anger about losing him so soon, there is gratitude that we were were able to give him extra time that was vibrant and full of life.  He never felt pain and we were able to keep it that way up until the very last second.  There will never be another G-Man.   We miss you more than you'll ever know buddy and I hope you're indulging in your hedonistic ways up there.  I like to think you're snacking on a steak and lounging in the sun.

Until we meet again big guy...

One Year

Dear R,

Reese,

Last week, on July 29th, you turned one year old.  Did I know this day was coming?  Surely.  I was cautioned by moms who have walked before me that this birthday would come tumbling toward us, fast and furiously, and boy they were right.  I've tried to articulate the experience that your first year of life has been like for me but words tend to fail me.  Bliss.  Magic. Chaos. Exhaustion. Joy. Love. Love. Love.   The year has been all of those things, and then some.  From the moment I knew you were on our way to us I have cherished, prayed for, and celebrated you.  I don't need a date on a calendar to remind me to celebrate how wonderful you are and how you have made us a family.  I hope you always know that I put you first and that your happiness and well-being are at the core of every decision I make.   We have all learned together this year and figured it out as we went along.  Some months were clouded in a fog of sheer exhaustion (particularly months 1-5...OY VEY CHILD.)  Others...endless joy that I didn't even know was possible.  No matter how hard or easy things are, it never changes the way we feel about you.  You're like Christmas morning every day.

 

We've had quiet a year, you and me.  We've spent endless hours snuggling, reading, soothing you while nestled tightly in your baby wrap, and exploring our city together.  We celebrated all of your "firsts" and I'm still surprised at how bittersweet they are.  You are such a fun loving and curious little girl that you can make any ordinary outing fantastical (groceries! library! walks!).  Your personality continues to come bursting through and your fiesty and independent streak is something your dad and I applaud and try to foster every day.  It can make things challenging at times (as in....you want what you want and you want it NOW!) but I know it is a trait that is inherent to you and will serve you well as you grow into a strong and assertive woman.

 

I look back on this time last year and remember myself feverishly researching every parenting topic and coming up with a plan for how I was going to do things.  Sleep training?  Check.  Breastfeeding? Duh. Co-Sleeping?  You know it.  Do you know how funny this is to me now?  Things did not go according to plan.  Not one little bit.  Some things went way better than I could have hoped for. Others...not so much.  But the good stuff is in all those little details.  Like how you would get up every 2-3 hours for months and months when everyone told me you "should" be sleeping through the night.  I knew in those quiet moments, as I was rocking you that this too would pass whether I liked it or not.  And despite my bleary exhaustion, I clung to those moments because I knew that they would be over in the blink of an eye.  That eventually you would sleep through the night (thank you) and before I knew it you would be launching yourself out of my arms, ready to play and take on the world.   Even on the weekends when your dad would take over the middle of the night wake ups, I would be sad that I missed out on that special time with you.  

On your birthday eve I soaked you in, just like I did in our first days together.  I shed a few tears after we laid you down in your crib that night, knowing that in the morning our world will have shifted just the tiniest bit.  Maybe it's because of the long and crooked road it took to reach you, but you have healed holes in my heart that I didn't know were there.  You've become my most important contribution to this world and I couldn't be more grateful.

Happy Birthday my sweet little monkey monkey!

Love,
Mama

11 Months!

On June 29th my peanut turned 11 months old...officially her last month as an infant.  I would be lying if I said this one didn't hit me a little hard.  I have enjoyed her first year so much and I can't believe she's tip toeing into toddler-ville.  Once again, this has been another fantastic month. Her not so little personality continues to explode and she is so, so FUNNY.  We've spent a lot of time together as a family this month and my shift to working out of the house part time has gone smoothly, for the most part.  You have gone from having 2 teeth to a whopping 6 teeth, all in the course of ten days.  We didn't even know you were cutting the other teeth until I popped my finger in your mouth one day and felt them.  Not a single cry or whimper from you...so impressive.  Although I miss your gummy little smile, this one will filled with tiny baby teeth is awfully cute too.

These days my wild woman is crawling, pulling up, standing, and cruising around...all at warp speeds.  Since I now have a set schedule, we've been exploring the city on my days at home and have recently started attending story time at the library on Wednesdays.  It is such a joy to watch her interact with other babies, wave her hands dramatically and everyone who walks by, and shake her little self as you "dance" along with the music.  We've also become pool regulars, although it takes us way  more time to get packed and out the door than we actually spend swimming, but that's neither here nor there!

Other developments this month include holding up her little index finger whenever we ask her how old she's going to be, waving, and giving us a kiss on the cheek when we ask if we may have one. I am continually amazed at her wit, sense of humor, and general joyful demeanor.  I love this little nugget so endlessly and I cannot WAIT to celebrate her FIRST BIRTHDAY!

10 Months!

Dear R,

In an effort to catch up here is your 10 month post...only 2 months late!  What can I say, we've been busy having a lot of fun.  You turned 10 months old on May 29th and this age is proving to be so much fun!  You babble all day long and mama and dada are some of your favorite words.  You absolutely loves dogs, with Lily being your favorite, and is currently obsessed with the 'Dogs ABC' book that dada bought for you.  This month we have made trips to the zoo and spent a lot of time at various parks.  Your dad ran his third (!) half marathon and we celebrated my first Mother's Day. At 10 months old you are cutting your third tooth, sleeping about 11 hours a night, taking 2 naps a day, and enjoying all kinds of food.  You love yogurt, fruit, grilled meat, puffs and string cheese.  You continue to be very independent and driven, crawling and pulling up all over the place.  I love how much you love to be close to your mama and dada, giving hugs and kisses, and going on walks.  We are having so much fun with you and enjoy every minute.  We love you so much little reesie pie!

Love,
Mama

 

7 Months!

Dear R,

Since there was no 29th this month, we celebrated your 7 month birthday on February 28th.  You have really had a great month and your personality continues to shine.  You celebrated your first Valentine's Day and got a couple of cute gifts from both sets of grandparents.  This month was a bit of a doozy as you began cutting your first tooth on February 23rd.  Within a couple of weeks you had two bottom teeth!  Unfortunately this caused you a lot of discomfort so you and I had some late nights cuddled in mom and dad's bed.  Luckily as soon as each tooth cut through the gum you pretty much returned to your happy self.  You started sitting in the child seat in shopping carts and you absolutely love it.  You are still so alert and active and every bit a busy body.  When we're out shopping you love to give out big smiles to strangers passing by and you make so many people smile.  We also tried you out in your first restaurant high chair, which didn't go so well...(but for the record this was likely because we were too close to bedtime for you to enjoy yourself!)  You love to hold on to your bottle when I feed you but as soon as I let go you do the same.  You still try to constantly take whatever I'm drinking and you love taking sips of water from a cup.

We had a couple of nice days and we made a bee line for the park.  You love swinging in the baby swing and in general you just love to be out and about taking everything in.  I continue to offer you pureed baby food, which you tolerate, but just don't seem to be into.  I have been offering your more table food and you seem much more content to feed yourself.  We've been trying an unintentional baby led weaning route (God that needs to be called something else!)  and so far it's working well.  You have gotten the hang of picking up food and beginning to chew it, but you don't end up swallowing too much.  You've tried black beans, bread, (tasted) bacon, pasta and avocados.  You recently started enjoying rice puffs and teething "cookies" so I've been giving those to you frequently.  Right now you drink about 28-30 oz per day and you're finally drinking bigger quantities at once.

 

You are continuing to become so silly and opinionated!  When you become frustrated you ball up your fists and squeal very loudly.  I try not to laugh but it is beyond adorable.  You are making an effort to crawl; you scoot sideways and backwards, just not forward yet.  You lift your leg and booty up and try to inch forward.  You'll be crawling before I know it!  You're getting a lot more hair and it seems to be a dark blonde color....just like your dad.  With the exception of cutting a tooth, you are sleeping about 11 hours a night, going to bed at about 7:30.  You have certainly discovered your voice and you squeal in excitement and frustration.  You are babbling and right now all we can really make out is "na na na".

Reesie, you make us laugh every single day and we've decided you're one of the funniest people we know.  I love you so, so much and you make every day a dream come true.  You sweet and fiery little girl...never change!

Love,
Mama